Confessions
We’ve all done bad shit
General Confessions
I think it’s fair to say I wasn’t the kindest person as a child. From a mix of reasons from internal mental turmoil/self-loathing to family drama, it doesn’t excuse some of the behaviours I exhibited at home and school from around ages 4-12. I don’t really wanna expose all the details, but I would more be a screaming and vocal menace rather than physical. But I still feel guilty for the damage I fear I may have caused.
I struggle A LOT with envy and jealousy. Especially when it comes to more personal things like height, weight and body as well as external things, mainly weather and climate. On the personal scale, I envy people of average height cuz I’m so short (155ish cm) that I instantly stand out. Weight-wise, I am severely underweight, so parts of me, my hands, neck and underbust are extremely veiny and bony respectively. Body-wise, my hypertrophy makes me extremely self-aware and am jealous of those that have body proportions that ACTUALLY match their body type rather than their bust being garish and immediately obvious. BUT it’s so much worse when it comes to weather and climate.. since I live in the UK, which is notoriously mild, I feel starved of anything exciting, specifically extremely cold conditions, deep snow and thunderstorms. When I see others, especially those close to me, experiencing these things, I can’t help myself but sulk in my own jealousy, and it can sometimes be a day, week, month, season or year ruiner.. yeah it’s that bad. The only positive I have out of this trait is that it motivates me. A LOT! I have made it my end goal to be somewhere I can experience interesting external conditions that match my style. My current target is Levi, Finland with 2-3 summer months in Lugano, Switzerland; though it might occasionally change. (It used to be Montréal, Canada from 2023-2024, then Akureyri, Iceland from 2024-2025 and Levi, Finland since late 2025). But it still doesn’t help that I won’t be able to experience that over the top of youth, which sadly I’m past. I just had a minor crisis writing that..
TO A SPECIFIC PERSON
ngl i kinda feel uncomfortable confessing this.. but I genuinely think that I had feelings for you! And the main reason I never made myself clear about that is out of both our fear of being judged. I’m not saying I had any sexual attraction, I’m ace, but I believe I had a romantic attraction, which confuses me cuz I’m not a romantic person, like, at all.. I mainly keep it at an arm’s length. Though I don’t feel the same anymore, a part of me still regrets not opening up to you.
A less personal one, but I lied about what happened in Y11.. (December 2022-February 2023 specifically) I wasn’t studying from home to give myself a better shot.. I was stuck in the hospital. nearly dying but we dont talk about that
Izzy
As much as we bonded together, I do hold a grudge against both you and Jake for the way you treated Izzy. And seeing her at her worst, I can’t help but bring myself to pin the majority of my blame onto you two. While less personal, I think it’s worth putting here since it made me think much less of you. And THAT IS personal.
Kieran
To be honest, Rys, I envy you. Not necessarily all in a negative way, though. Let’s start with the negatives, so that we can end on a positive :3
I’ll start with the biggest negative. I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable, but as my brother has a friend that is very close to where you are, of which one of the pictures you have shared (the one with a cycle lane) I showed to my brother mainly to laugh at the badness of the infrastructure, he sent it to his friend, who recognised the location (like the exact street), of which I now have a very strong suspicion that I might know your exact town, if not, a neighbouring town.. I don’t want to make you scared of sharing those pictures tho cuz it helps alleviate your mystery and it gives me a window into your life, which is a huge positive and it feels like I can form a stronger bond.
There are 2 other ways that I consider “negative” mainly cuz it’s just stupid, like, really stupid, and I’m kind of embarrassed to share this so I’m just gonna wing it and see where it takes me. The first is age. Though this will change, but being older by a few years I feel like I’m an outsider in a way, and I wish I could be a similar age so I can 1, relate, and more selfishly, 2, so that I can right the wrongs I had throughout my teenage years. The second one is basically what I put in the general tab; while not perfect, the climate and conditions of your region I envy the most, and has led me into some deep depressions over the winter (mainly 2022-23, 2024-25 and 2025-26). PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t feel bad about this because it is not your fault!! No one can control the location of which they were born in, and on the positive side, it has helped me find where I want to be in life and has actually helped me bond with my studies and find a pathway, to fall in love with the subjects of chemistry, and to a lesser extent but still physics and mathematics, and I don’t know what my aspirations would be if I didn’t have this in me. You know the saying, things have to get worse before they have the opportunity to get better, this dark side of my interactions with you I feel like is THE definition of that idiom and I can’t thank you enough for it. Without you, my life would be infinitely more boring, and I fear I could have found what I want in life at a time which it would be too late.
Let’s get positive now, I lowkey envy how you seem to have yourself together, you seem to have a small circle of friends irl, which I really look up to as someone struggling with intense social anxiety and am starting to feel lonely and solitude. But I don’t see it in a negative light, and I genuinely look up to you and I mean that in a positive way. A VERY positive way. Like a role model. shit that sounds so creepy in hindsight
I dunno why I always write the most about you, but you are the only person in my life that I have had a stable friendship with, I’ve said it on the VIP page but you’re just there, I don’t feel like I’m walking on eggshells and we have shared interests.
Rys
I never thought I’d ever speak positively of one of the main secondary school bullies, but here I am.. As much as I hated you for your emotional manipulation, your positive behaviours (even though it was used by you to get us to trust you so you could turn on us and do emotional damage) were so charming, that it genuinely made me want to be friends with you. It’s kind of hard for me to fathom this feeling, but if you kept your positive side and got rid of, yk, being a bully, I genuinely think you had potential to be one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. And even though you brought it upon yourself, but when your behaviour got so extreme at the end of our secondary school careers that the police got involved, parts of me kind of feels bad, and that isn’t a confession just directly to you, it also serves as one to my inner circle I had at the time.